POEM: “Social Distancing”

hand touching glass
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

 

Social Distancing

 

Socially distant, virtually inseparable

the links between us:

 

the ways we touch others,

not warm fingers interlaced

but swept across cool keyboards,

 

music shared across balconies,

tasting notes like a crisp wind

crossing borders and boundaries,

not the comforting embrace

 

but the smiling face miles away,

countries or continents or 

six full feet apart

 

so long as we’re not six feet under

we can bridge any distance.

smoothly typed texts, raised

voices spanning gaps, our words

 

heard by ears, read by wide eyes,

felt by drumming heartbeats:

emotion’s rising tide.

 

in this new world of isolation,

We all pull together.

 

#

 

April is National Poetry Month, and although many poetry and writing events have been cancelled due to the current world crisis, we have also come together in other ways through technology. Many open mics, book launches, and other meetups have switched to virtual venues, and people are searching for new ways to come together, support each other, and consume art. 

 

So in the spirit of this unity, I’d love to share some online venues to help get through these trying times. My favorite poetry magazine, Rattle, has a podcast and a virtual open mic called Rattlecast that meets/posts weekly. The FaceBook group for Latitudes Poetry Night has switched from monthly (in person) meetups to weekly Wednesday night (online) Open Mics as a way to support others during quarantine. Different libraries have switched to online meetups for book clubs such as Barberton Library’s monthly Hooks and Books

 

There are also free downloadable ebooks from ManyBooks.Net, Project Gutenberg, and (for audiobooks) Librivox. And, last but not least, many libraries have online resources as well for checkouts–as well as other events. My favorite of these is the annual Read + Write: 30 Days of Poetry via Cuyahoga County Public Library; just sign up on the site for April emails with poems from Ohio poets as well as writing prompts.

 

This year, on April 5th, one of my poems from Soul Picked Clean will be the featured poem for Read + Write. I’m so honored to be part of this event and beyond thrilled!

 

So, I hope you enjoyed my poem! If you can, I urge you to take advantage of some of these online resources. If you are quarantined at home, you are helping to save lives. If you need to venture out to work to keep everyone else going during these difficult times, thank you. Your efforts are appreciated, and my heart goes out to you all. 

 

Take solace in the good things, and try to get through the bad. Stay safe, stay well, and read often!

POEM: “Bread and Circuses”

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Bread and Circuses

Today Washingtonian elephants Trumpet

away to the tweet tweet of distraction

for days on end while blue jackasses bray

away abuse, abused and abusing

the general multitude.

 

Meanwhile, the Ringmaster serves as clown supreme

serving double purpose: distracts us all

from our bread-full bellies as he erodes

our way of life, keeps us laughing

so we don’t notice

the price we paid to get here.

 

the price we still pay.

#

Thank you for visiting my blog. If you would like to read more of my work, I’ll be posting fiction, non fiction, product reviews, and other goodies at my new Patreon in addition to this blog’s content. Until next time, have a lovely week!

 

*image courtesy of publicdomainpictures.net via Creative Commons Universal License.

 

POEM: “Trump’s Greenland”

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Trump’s Greenland

 

Trump’s Greenland

wouldn’t be dwarfed

by a golden Trump tower’s

glittering phallus

not compensating for anything at all.

 

Trump’s Greenland

would be a dream

capitalist utopia

except that everyone

would know he’s the best, they all would love him, all!

 

if only Greenland was Denmark’s to sell,

he could trade Puerto Rico for it.

 

 

#

Since this is more specifically political than I normally post, here is my common sense disclaimer: This is a joke, based on the President’s own tweets and words. One of his tweets that I based this joke on was a joke tweet he made about Greenland. The others were apparently completely serious. I’ve also included links, because I realize it’s hard to believe.

This post is in addition to my scheduled Friday post this week, because I frankly couldn’t resist. I hope you enjoyed the poem and come back tomorrow for my normally scheduled post: same Cat Time, same Cat Channel.

*image courtesy of publicdomainpictures.net via Creative Commons Universal License.

**additional source links

https://www.google.com/amp/s/theconversation.com/amp/greenland-isnt-denmarks-to-sell-some-essential-reading-for-trump-on-colonialism-122193

https://www.newsweek.com/trump-once-joked-trading-puerto-rico-greenland-1455689

https://www.ft.com/content/da9e8170-c3fe-11e9-a8e9-296ca66511c9

https://theweek.com/speedreads/860462/trump-reportedly-joked-about-trading-puerto-rico-greenland

POEM: “Today the President”

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I normally try to stay away from overly political topics, but this morning’s news was too much to not respond. Especially since I now have a draft age son, and it looks like the President could conceivably start a war with Mexico.

 

Today the President” 

Today the President
almost started a war
via Twitter.

 

Today the President
accused foreign soldiers
of protecting drug runners.

 

Today the President
said he’d send armed soldiers
to the border.

 

Today the President
turned a misunderstanding
into a taunt.

 

Today the President
put my son’s life in danger
not his own.

 

Today the President
is still the President
and still on Twitter.

 

#

If you are interested in the story, you may follow Trump on Twitter and also google multiple sources (to try to counteract bias) about the news story.

 

 

*image courtesy of BigFoto.com

Star Wars II Attack of the Clones Rewatch Commentary

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Recently I checked out Star Wars I – VI from my friendly neighborhood library. I thought I’d brush up as preparation for the December release of The Force Awakens. Since it’s been awhile since I watched the movies, I noticed things that I’m almost ashamed to admit I’d never noticed before.

I’ve also recently come across this interesting fan theory: Jar-Jar is actually the Phantom Menace. Now listen, I know it sounds crazy, but the post I read was really compelling. One of the strongest points in favor of this theory is that Lucas created the prequels to mirror the Original Trilogy. He had very specific views about Yoda being this minor, inconsequential character that’s later revealed to be a powerful Jedi Master. So with that logic, Jar-Jar could be Yoda’s Sith doppelganger, but Lucas chickened out of the reveal because the fans hated Jar-Jar so much. Again, I know it sounds ridiculous, but you should read the post which explains everything with observation, examples, and logic. I will be watching II and III with this theory in mind. At the very least, it might make Jar-Jar less annoying. I hope.

But enough chit chat. I give you my observations from rewatching Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones.

  1. Scrolling text. Again.

Dummmmm dummmmmm, dada dadummmm dummmmm…

  1. Reading the introductory text, I am reminded that I have completely forgotten almost all of this movie. So Amidala is a Senator now, returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC (all caps, just like in the text), because the Jedi are being overwhelmed by all the separatists. And the separatists are led by Count Dooku. Right, got it.

But why do they want to leave the Republic?

  1. And the first familiar character we see in the movie, in Coruscant, is R2! And second is Amidala, speaking to her dying bodyguard when the ship is blown up. So I’m guessing someone doesn’t want her to vote.
  1. Palpatine doesn’t want the thousand year old Republic to split in two. Surprise, surprise.
  1. “We are keepers of the peace, not soldiers.”

Oh Windu, are you really?

  1. “You know, milady, Count Dooku was once a Jedi. He couldn’t assassinate anyone. It’s not in his character.”

Windu, Windu, Windu…you’re batting zero today, aren’t you?

  1. Now I remember, this is the movie where Amidala loses the weird hat and wig collection, because she had to look oh-so-pretty for Anakin.
  1. Yoda looks awfully suspicious of Palpatine, when he suggests that Obi-Wan be Amidala’s bodyguard. I suspect the future isn’t quite as clouded to Yoda as he says it is.
  1. Ah, yes, the introduction of Hayden Christensen as the newly hunky Anakin. You know, now that he’s not a little kid anymore, they can play up the romance—the weirdly inappropriate romance. Thanks, Lucas.
  1. And now Jar-Jar introduces Padme to Obi-Wan and older Ani. Possibly sinister?
  1. “Ani, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine.”

After Anakin compliments her on her beauty. What a lovely way to reject someone making creepy advances.

  1. Wow, and then he throws a temper tantrum because Obi-Wan disagrees with him and doesn’t want to investigate the assassination attempt. Way to impress the lady, dude.
  1. And the possibly sinister Jar-Jar is comforting a pouty, whiny Anakin. Guess that sort of thing runs in the Skywalker family, but I am wondering why Jar-Jar is still around if he’s such an idiot. Hmmm…
  1. Anakin: “She covered the cameras. I don’t think she liked me watching her.”

Obi-Wan: “What is she thinking?”

Maybe she didn’t want the guy that just hit on her watching her sleep?

  1. “Don’t worry. No harm will come to her. I can sense everything going on in that room. Trust me.”

Not creepy at all.

  1. Anakin: “I don’t sleep well anymore.”

Obi-Wan: “Because of your mother?”

Anakin: “I don’t know why I keep dreaming about her.”

Obi-Wan: “Dreams pass in time.”

Have I mentioned how much I dislike Obi-Wan?

  1. Anakin: “I’d much rather dream about Padme.”

 Creeeeeeepy.

  1. More of creepy stalker Anakin. What a turn on.
  1. So they tried to assassinate her by worms? Well, that’s original.
  1. And now the exciting chase scene, where Obi-Wan grabs ahold of the drone that brought the assassin-worms, and Anakin… hey, is that a Dug driving that speeder? Thrills, people. Thrills.
  1. Bicker, bicker, bicker. It’s almost like Anakin is a kid rebelling against his dad—well, father-figure anyway.
  1. I just want to flick that spot off the middle of Ewan McGregor’s head.
  1. In a seedy bar, into which they’ve chased the murderous changeling–

Weirdo: “You wanna buy some death sticks?”

Obi-Wan: “You don’t want to sell me death sticks.”

Weirdo: “I don’t want to sell you death sticks.”

Obi-Wan: “You want to go home and rethink your life.”

Weirdo: “I want to go home and rethink my life.”

I may not like Obi-Wan, but he has his moments.

  1. After Obi-Wan cuts down the changeling in the middle of the nightclub

Anakin: (gruff) “Easy. Jedi business. Go back to your drinks.”

I’m getting the feeling the Jedi are bullies on Coruscant.

  1. Yoda: “Track down this bounty hunter, you must, Obi-Wan.”

Windu: “Most importantly, find out who he’s working for.”

I can almost feel Anakin thinking, I told you so…

  1. Palpatine: “And so, they’ve finally given you an assignment (to guard Amidala). Your patience has finally paid off.”

Saying Anakin has patience? That should have been a tip off!

  1. So Yoda thinks Obi-Wan is arrogant too? Maybe they should have let Anakin train with someone else. Actually, how cool would it have been if Yoda had trained him?
  1. Now Jar-Jar is appointed to take Amidala’s place in the Senate during her absence?

But WHY??? He seems like such an idiot, but if he was using the dark side to gain influence…

  1. Anakin: “Sometimes we must let go of our pride and do what is requested of us.”

Padme:  “Anakin, you’ve grown up.”

And then he starts whining to her about how Obi-Wan doesn’t understand and isn’t fair.

Way to show her you haven’t grown up, numb nuts.

  1. Padme: “Please, don’t look at me like that.”

Anakin: “Why not?”

Padme: “It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

And then he stares at her butt as she walks away.

  1. Oh no, I stand corrected. She must have a special hat collection just for when she travels.
  1. “Don’t worry. We have R2 with us.”

Thank the Force that R2 is there to chaperone those crazy kids.

  1. Obi-Wan, talking to his buddy about the investigation: “Well, if droids could think, there’d be none of here, would there?”

Really, Obi-Wan? How enlightened of you.

  1. Obi-Wan: “Cloners. Are they friendly?”

Weird alien friend: “Oh, depends.”

Obi-Wan: (smiles) “Depends on what, Dex?”

Weird alien friend: “On how good your manners are…and how big your, uh…(looks Obi-Wan up and down) pocketbook is.” (creepy chuckle)

Did that guy just hit on Obi-Wan?

  1. “If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist.”

It seems arrogance isn’t strictly a Jedi trait.

  1. Padme: “Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.”

Anakin: “Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love… is central to a Jedi’s life. So you might say that we are encouraged to love.”

What a wonderful way to describe the Jedi precepts, so similar to the teachings of the Buddha. Suffering is caused by our attachments, our desires, specifically to our concept of our own ego. However, if you learn to live in the moment, enjoying what you have while you have it and accepting that all things are impermanent, you can be selfless and happy, you can care and be compassionate for others without getting caught up in how no one is around forever. You can live in the present.

Of course, Anakin mucks it up at the end by using the “encouraged to love” line to hit on Padme, but it’s still eloquent.

  1.  “Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.”

So Obi-Wan asks Yoda for help finding a missing planet, a planet (if I remember correctly) Yoda and the rest of the Council erased from the archives so no one would find it, and Yoda has a youngling give Obi-Wan the answer. Now that’s what I call panache.

  1. “Only a Jedi could have erased those files.”

Yeah, Yoda, you go meditate on that. Quite the conundrum, huh?

  1. And Anakin is showing barely suppressed rage at Padme in front of the new Queen. What a turn on.
  1. So Ani and Padme go to the incredibly romantic hideaway—you know, for her “safety.” Yup, nothing can possibly go wrong there…
  1. Oh, so the Jedi Master, Sifo Dyas, ordered the creation of the Clone Army ten years previous? So maybe Yoda didn’t already know?
  1. “No, I shouldn’t have done that.”

So she kisses him, after strolling around the super romantic setting in her shoulderless rainbow dress, talking about beaches. Really?

  1.  It’s just so weird seeing the Clone Army in their white stormtrooper uniforms.
  1. And they’re talking in a meadow about past romances. And politics. Ah, you can practically smell the pheromones.
  1. Padme:“Sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.”

Anakin:  “Well, if it works.”

And looooooove is in the air…

  1. Running to him in the meadow in your bare-shoulder gown. Rolling around in the grass. Really? Come on!
  1. Awww, little Boba Fett. Is he the parallel to little Ani or maybe teen Luke? If I remember correctly, he watches his “father” die.
  1. I know they’re setting up the whole romance, but does it really need to be this thick? One minute he’s using the Force for cheesy parlor tricks over dinner, the next they’re in a darkened room on a couch before a roaring fire. And dear Thor, did she pack any dresses with shoulders?

So, in the beginning of the movie she’s telling him his stalking makes her uncomfortable, but now she’s pulling out all the stops. She already knew how he felt about her. She couldn’t possibly be this stupid, unless it was on purpose.

  1. Anakin: “And now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony.”

Maybe because she’s practically falling out of that dress? Seriously. I have bras that cover more cleavage.

  1. And as Obi-Wan leaves the Kaminoans, he tells R4 to send a message care of “the old folks’ home.”  First thought? That droid is toast. There’s no way it’ll survive, because if it was meant to be successful, it would have been R2—robot chaperone of the future.

Second, I wonder why he’s using code? “Old folks’ home” can’t be good.

  1. So Yoda and Windu didn’t know about the clone army, but Sifo Dyas died over ten years ago? So who ordered the army?
  1. “I think it is time to inform the Senate that our ability to use the Force has diminished.”

What?!!!

  1. And she comes out to see him on the terrace, during sunrise, in her satin nightgown. For a second, I thought she had found a dress with shoulders, but it turned out to be a robe.
  1. I’m so confused. Obi-Wan thinks Jango is the assassin trying to kill Amidala, but why? And why attack him in front of his kid?
  1. The happy couple arrives back on Tatooine to rescue Ani’s mom. Lucas sure made use of that set, didn’t he?
  1. Watto: “Ani! It is you!” (chuckling)

All I can think is his unspoken, Remember the good ol’ days when I owned you?

Is he this stupid, or is he playing dumb because he’s afraid of Jedi Anakin?

  1. How come Jango Fett has an accent but little Boba doesn’t?
  1. Owen Lars and his girlfriend, Beru. Are we meeting all the young versions of the original characters?
  1. So they grew mushrooms on the vaporators at the moisture farm. I guess that answers my question about at least one type of food on a desert planet.
  1. The scenes of Anakin looking for his mother are absolutely stunning, his dark silhouette against the vivid sunset background. Could it also be the beginning of the sunset of his life as a Jedi?
  1. So the Viceroy hired Dooku, head of the Separatists, to assassinate Amidala. And all the Separatists are planning to combine their droids to make an army against the Republic?
  1. Evil music after Ani’s mother dies. That can’t be good.
  1. Wait, Obi-Wan is on Geonosis? The droid foundries on Geonosis?

Really?

  1. Padme: “To be angry is to be human.”

Anakin: “I’m a Jedi. I know I’m better than this.”

And that’s your problem. That, and your recent murder spree.

And your need for acting lessons.

  1. “R2, what are you doing here?”

Did they think they’d given him the slip?

  1. Giving the Chancellor emergency powers to create an army? Sure, that’s not a bad idea.
  1. Holy crap, Qui-Gon was Dooku’s padawan?
  1. I’ve got to admit, Dooku makes a lot of sense.
  1. Jar-Jar addresses the Senate and convinces them to grant emergency powers to Palpatine. Jar-Jar. And he does the hand wave thing, like a Jedi. With Dooku’s previous reveal about Darth Sidious being in charge of the Senate, it seems like the Sith Lord Jar-Jar theory could easily be true. The way it’s timed in the movie, it makes sense.
  1. C-3PO: “What does that mean? That means I’m in charge here.”

R2D2:    (beeps and whistles)

The closed-captioning for R2’s response read raspberry. So are the captions trying to translate R2’s noises? I always suspected they were bleeping out profanities.

  1. Fleeing from the bad guys, Padme in her suspiciously Leia-ish white outfit, gets caught with Anakin outside a closed door on a bridge that needs to be extended. I have to admit, I’m starting to like finding the repeated scenes of the Original Trilogy. They’re like Easter Eggs.
  1. So Jango captures Anakin at the droid factory. I still don’t get it.Why is Jango involved with the bad guys if he’s the template for the Jedi’s clone army? I know he’s a bounty hunter, but what does he gain? Why would the bad guys hire him at all? I don’t understand.
  1. Finally, some female Jedis kicking butt! Yes!
  1. Lasers everywhere, and somehow none of them hit our heroes. Did the droids train the stormtroopers?
  1. “Oh, this is such a drag. I’m quite beside myself.”

Who knew C-3PO had a sense of humor!

  1. Yoda shows up to save the day with the clone troopers! That’s my favorite scene in this movie. It’s one of the few I hadn’t blocked out of my memory. I still remember how excited I was when I first saw them.
  1. Dooku cut off Anakin’s arm? I didn’t remember that!
  1. Now we get to see Yoda actually fight Dooku. There’s something supremely awesome about seeing a little green muppet kick Christopher Lee’s ass.
  1. “Fought well, you have, my old padawan.”

Oh, COME ON. This is getting ridiculous. So Yoda trained Dooku…who trained Qui-Gon…who trained Obi-Wan…who trained Anakin.

So basically, if you think about it, Darth Vader is all Yoda’s fault.

  1. Lies, deceit, creating mistrust are his ways now.”

I know Yoda’s talking about Dooku there, but meanwhile Anakin’s sneaking off to get married.

  1. And they get married at sunset. How symbolic.

The prequels may not be the best, but the movie ends with the Jedi marrying the Senator—or rather the knight marrying the (former) princess. I know people think of these movies as science fiction because of all the tropes, but they are fantasy! Mythic themes, knights and princesses, sword fights, and good against evil. What more do you want?

Oh, and they’re awesome.*

I hope you enjoyed this. I will post my next review next Wednesday. May you come visit my blog again, and May the Force be with you.

 

 

 

 

*My thanks to D Paul Angel for suggesting I create this post.

**Though I had originally thought I’d watch the series beginning with Episode I, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So my observations may change as I remember or misremember things from the prequels.

***I know I say “awesome” a lot, but I’m an 80’s girl. Deal with it.

Star Wars IV A New Hope Rewatch Commentary

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Recently I checked out Star Wars I – VI from my friendly neighborhood library. I thought I’d brush up as preparation for the December release of The Force Awakens. Since it’s been awhile since I watched the movies, I noticed things that I’m almost ashamed to admit I’d never noticed before. So, in the interest of pointing out what others have already picked up on, I give you my observations from rewatching Star Wars IV: A New Hope.

  1. C-P30’s constant moaning reminds me a lot of Marvin the Paranoid Android from Douglas Adam’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. When he says, “We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life,” I keep hearing, “Don’t talk to me about life! And then of course I’ve got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side…”
  1. How is Obi-Wan keeping an eye on Luke from the Jungland Wastes? Does he have secret spy equipment or something? Or is it just a Force thing? If it’s a Force thing, how come Vader never senses Luke before Luke begins his Jedi training? I mean, he already had the midichlorians, right?
  1. I sense Luke following Obi-Wan on some “damn fool idealistic crusade” is not what Luke’s aunt and uncle were worried about. Probably more he might become a near invincible psychopath, but then I’m just spitballing here…
  1. They have space travel and laser swords, but their holograms look like when I was a teen and used to try to watch HBO with basic channels.
  2. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” And nonsensical. I’m all for skepticism, but wouldn’t the fact that he can force-choke people and use a sword made out of a freakin’ laser (think about that, not particularly scientific given the way light travels) give Vader’s “sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion” at least a little credence? Also, how stupid is that guy, insulting Vader to his face?
  1. Obi-Wan can’t even stop Luke from speeding home to check on the freshly burned corpses of his aunt and uncle. For a Jedi strong with the Force, he does a crap job of protecting Luke.
  1. Again, if the Skywalker children are strong with the Force, they already have a high midichlorian count. So why doesn’t Vader sense something’s up with Leia when he goes to torture her with Mr. Floaty Ball?
  1. Now that I’ve paid more attention to storytelling over the years, I’m noticing how the setting says things about the characters. Everything with the Rebels and Luke is all organic, soft edges, and dirt-under-your-fingernails. The Empire is all about cleanliness and order (except on Tatooine where, let’s face it, white would be impossible to keep clean). The Empire is black and white, and it looks like they have a full time cleaning staff just to keep the Death Star sparkling. Just because it’s an instrument of mass destruction, doesn’t mean it can’t look its best!
  1. I love the Cantina song. I wonder if those guys do birthday parties?
  1. HAN SHOT FIRST!

I forgot the library copy is the redone one with all the added crap that NO ONE likes. If you slow it down, you can see Greedo shoot a very fake looking laser blast at Han which inexplicably changes direction to miss Han’s face, then Han shoot a very fake looking laser at Greedo. Not only do the added “special effects” undermine Solo’s setup as a rogue character, they are also badly done technically.

  1. I just realized Han is the reason I always play rogues in D&D.
  1. Oh, my… there aren’t even enough words for the stupid added scene with Han talking to Jabba. I mean, what the Hell is going on? I know it’s an original scene that Lucas never got to finish, probably because the special effects wouldn’t have worked at the time, but he shouldn’t… just,no. Also, Jabba looks significantly smaller than in the later movies. So what happened? Did he go off his diet and binge on rat burgers or whatever other weird crap he eats?
  1. I am totally going to be Princess Leia for Halloween this year. Albeit, an overweight, myopic Princess Leia, but hey, everyone ages, right? Oh, also, I’m blonde, so in my scenario she bleaches her hair. Or if that doesn’t work out, a Jedi. Actually, I might just go as a rocketeer named Leia, but I digress…
  1. OK, so in the prequels, the Galactic Republic doesn’t reach out to Tatooine and eradicate slavery. In A New Hope there are stormtroopers on Tatooine. Granted, they are looking for the droids, but are they also a long-standing presence? Given Vader’s past, have they abolished slavery on Tatooine? I’m not sure, given the fact that gangster Jabba is still around, but if so then that’s a good thing. I mean, give the devil his due. Why didn’t the Republic do that? Seems like it would have saved everyone a world of pain.
  1. The Empire’s soldiers all seem pretty dumb. No wonder Vader enjoys force-choking them.
  1. Really, R2D2 can just plug in and interpret the entire Imperial network? So why can’t I get Windows programs to work with my Linux OS? Just sayin’.
  1. “Your destiny lies along a different path from mine.” Obi-Wan knows he’s not coming back when he leaves Luke with everyone in the control room. What the-?
  1. OK, Luke is much shorter than Han. Leia even notices he’s “a little short for a stormtrooper.” So if the stormtroopers are all clones, wouldn’t they notice a short guy in a stolen uniform? I mean, they’d all be the same height! Again, how dumb are these guys!
  1. “Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route!” So how is the garbage compactor an improvement, your Highness? Even after they avoid getting eaten by the slime monster and crushed to death, the stormtroopers mysteriously give up. The heroes can’t get out the other direction, they can’t get by the troopers, so when the firing stops why don’t the Imperials investigate?

I get that the bad guys are supposed to be dumb. Conveniently dumb. And bad at their jobs even though they are an army of physically bad ass clones trained since childhood as soldiers. But even conveniently dumb bad guys can’t possibly be that conveniently dumb! No one thought to look down the hall, see a big gaping blasted hole, and think, Hey, maybe they’re down here!

  1. The stormtroopers are different heights! How in the Force did that happen?
  1. The hallway is, at least initially, mysteriously clear after the good guys get out of the garbage masher. Hmmmmm. Must be that whole Vader plan to let them escape. Only explanation.
  1. Shiny reflective armor doesn’t seem to deflect any laser blasts. So what’s the point?
  1. When Obi-Wan is fighting Darth Vader, they seem pretty evenly matched. Then Obi-Wan looks to make sure Luke is watching, before he puts up his lightsaber so Vader can kill him. Why? He knows this poor whiney kid just lost the only parents he’s ever known, knows he’s in a similar situation to his father before he went all Dark Side, so why traumatize him further by making him watch his death? Wouldn’t it have been simpler to at least try to defeat Vader instead of just giving up to give Luke a show?

Is he more powerful after he’s struck down? He’s a Force ghost, but so what? How is that more powerful? Later on, he tells Luke to go kill Vader, knowing he’s his father. Wouldn’t just defeating Vader himself have been better? Even if he couldn’t defeat him, why not keep fighting so they can buy more time to escape? Oh, wait… Luke wouldn’t have left him. Damn.

  1. Luke barely knows Obi-Wan. I get why he’s bummed, but Leia lost her whole planet! Why isn’t she a gibbering mess? Because she’s badass, that’s why!
  1. “If money is all that you love, then that’s what you’ll receive.” Again, didn’t her entire planet blow up? What money? Did Alderaan’s royal family have enough foresight to diversify their investment portfolio among different planets?
  1. I know Han’s just teasing Luke because of the kid’s obvious crush on Leia, but it’s still kind of a bastard thing to do, isn’t it?
  1. I strongly suspect R2D2’s beeps and whistles are actually the censoring of massive amounts of profanity. That poor little underappreciated droid’s fate is to be constantly put in danger. I think I’d have a potty mouth too.
  1. All the orange and white uniforms make the Rebels look like oompa loompas from behind. I keep expecting them to turn around and have orange faces.
  1. “I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home.They’re not much bigger than 2 meters.”  Apparently, being a hick really pays off.
  1. Just before the Rebels attack the Death Star on a near impossible mission, R2D2 is being lowered into the back of Luke’s fighter, the outside of the ship.

Luke asks, “You ok, R2?” R2 answers in beeps and whistles. Translation? WTF kind of question is that! We’re going to die.

  1. I can’t help it. The scene where they are flying the trench run towards the target on the Death Star, I keep seeing the old Star Wars arcade game with the line graphics. “Use the Force, Luke!”
  1. “Evacuate in our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.”   Oops.
  1. Poor R2. Always getting the shaft.
  1. Wait a minute. The Tie-fighters are shaped like O’s, and they’re fighting “X”-wings. Is Star Wars just an intergalactic game of space Tic Tac Toe?
  1. Vader shoots at Luke in the trench FIVE TIMES, and Han shoots the Tie-fighter next to him on the fifth time. So how the Hell did VADER miss? I mean, he’s Darth FREAKIN’ Vader!
  1. “Remember, the Force will be with you always.” So, since Obi-Wan’s a Force ghost now, can’t he come visit? I mean, the poor kid lost his family, so why not come over and have some space tea every once in awhile instead of just dropping in whenever he needs Luke to do something, like kill his own father. What good’s being a Force-ghost if you don’t get to socialize?
  1. Where’s Chewie’s and R2’s freakin’ medals? They made Chewie walk up there, just to show that he didn’t get a medal! What happened to “It’s not wise to upset a Wookie?”

And I get that droids are basically like slaves, because they’re sentient,have no rights, and need to do what they are told. I don’t feel particularly sorry for C-3PO who seems to enjoy being miserable, but R2 deserves better. Also, just suppose the Empire did abolish slavery on Tatooine, one better than the Republic I might add. So, when the Rebels win, does that mean they’ll free the droids? Or will there be a future movie, Star Wars: Rise of the Droids? Actually, I vote for that. That would be pretty awesome.

Another thing that’s fairly obvious but I’m going to say anyway is that the blend of fairytale with science fiction tropes was a genius move on Lucas’s part. The Empire is filled with elements from the Roman Empire and the Imperials seem like evil space Nazis. The good guys are princesses, knights, farmers from nowheresville, and there’s a magical, all-powerful Force. Midichlorians be damned, it’s a magical Force, albeit a spacey-one.

In case it’s not obvious through my criticisms, I adore these movies. I love the franchise. I can’t wait for the new movie to come out. I know it’s called Space Opera, but dammit it’s a space FAIRYTALE. Princes and knights, shining armor, and magic swords. I mean, come on. And it’s incredible.

I hope you enjoyed this. I will try to space out my postings on a weekly basis for the other five movies. May you come visit my blog again, and May the Force be with you.

*My thanks to D Paul Angel for suggesting I create this post.

**Though I had originally thought I’d watch the series beginning with Episode I, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So my observations may change as I remember or misremember things from the prequels.